On long and short marriages

My mom called last night and one of the tidbits she dropped was that my aunt and uncle are separating. Well, they didn't call it that, but she's moving into a condo in downtown Boston and he's staying in the house in the suburbs, so that's what it is.

They've been married 33 years, in a marriage that many thought would last five. They're just such different people--radically different people. He's from a small town; she's from Manhattan. He's southern to the core; she's northeastern. He was raised Christian; she's Jewish. He played college football; she disdains sports. And so on. But somehow, for many years, they seemed to make it work, not only partnering in life but in a successful business they co-owned. But, all along, I think there were cracks in that well-spackled facade.

About 10 years ago, I was having a conversation with my aunt and she said that those fundamental differences do not get any easier over the years, that in fact they get harder and harder. When you are young, you think love can conquer all, but later the pull of your differences becomes harder to bear. The sacrifices each had to make to make that marriage work became too soul-crushing I guess.

It sounds very amicable. My wish for them is that they each find separate happiness but that they can look back on their time together with joy and love. It was a supportive marriage, through cancer and family crises and the raising of an incredible daughter...and that deserves honoring.

This is bookended by a friend of my sister's who recently got married after a whirlwind courtship of a month. She's been married before and proclaimed that she knew she had found her soul-mate. Who knows if this will turn out to be so, but she's giddy and happy now. In many ways I admire her ability to jump, in spite of past bad relationships and the uncertainty of this one. Who's to say where happiness is to be found? I have some friends who have had long marriages built on short courtships and those who had short marriages built on long courtships. What keeps people together is complex. The only marriage I can truly know is my own, and even that is a partially obscured view.