Communication

I realize it's been a while since I posted. Doing lots of thinking on things, but somehow not wanting to write it down. But recently the issue of communication and couple role-shifting has led me to write this actual post. I understand if it's a shock.

My father, after 42 years as a physician and 35 years in one hospital, retired this summer. We have all been eagerly anticipating the day, as the daily grind and the hospital politics were wearing on him more and more each month.

So now that the time is here, he's like a kid who has been let loose in a candy shop. Although instead of tasting from every bin, he wants to go and do all the things he's been denied from all those 12-hour days and weekends on call. He wants to travel (at a breakneck schedule, it seems) and go all the places he's dreamed of since he was a boy.

And for that first little bit, he wanted to go out to lunch. Everyday. Every day for the first two weeks. And it probably goes back to the fact that for all those years, he never could really do what people in office jobs could do, things like going out to lunch, so that's what he wanted to do. But my mother didn't. So she bought sandwich meat for him to try and distract him (she eats yogurt). Needless to say, the package of turkey in the fridge did not seem that exciting to him, so they ended up going out, but she was grumbling about it--about the expense and about the time involved. And my sister and I would counsel her to just relax--he wasn't going to want to go out to lunch every day for the rest of his life, but he did right now. But she was still upset about it (not in a big way, but in that thorn-in-the-side way).

Suddenly, I realized that this was not about lunch, but at core all about how they were readjusting to each other. Their roles are shifting. All of a sudden, he was there. In the house. All day, every day. After decades of not being there. He'd know if she spent the afternoon reading a book. Truthfully, he wouldn't care, but she felt guilty like somehow she should be doing something more important. When in reality, he was in the other room reading too....and could care less that she was reading. But yet, her space was being intruded on--and having to adjust her lunch routine was symbolic of this alien invader that was her husband of 45 years.

We just are back from a week at a beach house, celebrating my dad's retirement and enjoying the summer. And each of them at different times would complain about the other. My dad thinks mom needs to get organized. My mom things my dad is just going a bit nutty. And with each of them, I'd listen a bit, make sympathetic noises and try to redirect them back to the other. My mom is 66 years old and she's never going to be organized. Her scatteredness is part of who she is and dad is going to have to accept it (or drive them both crazy). And she's going to have to realize that he now has more say over her day-to-day life. He wants her to be a part of his days now, instead of just evenings and weekends, and listen--that's pretty incredible, that after 45 years he wants them to still spend time together.

But it's also pretty incredible to me that after 45 years of marriage, they don't know how to communicate their basic needs to each other. Talking to them is a bit like talking to a 13 year old just trying to figure out that whole boy-girl stuff. They will have to learn how to actually talk in a non-emotional, supportive way...and I fully expect a bit of a rocky period here for a while.

I guess life is like that. I've been part of a couple myself for more than 20 years, and our roles have shifted quite a few times already. And even though I'm part of a generation that values communication, figuring out how to talk to my husband in an appropriate way--in a way that iterates what I need without making him feel undervalued--has been tricky (and we've both screwed that up at times). I hope my parents successfully negotiate this set of landmines.