There's this woman I'll call Difficult Lady. She's older, in her sixties, and is a neighbor of my in-laws. She is on her third husband. She is not welcome at her daughter's house for any holiday because she is, well, difficult. She's opinionated and brash and argumentative. Other people's points of view are stupid and wrong and even though she's an immigrant herself, she firmly believes that immigrants are ruining this country. And all of these opinions are expressed loudly and firmly and anyone who doesn't agree with her 100% is evil and stupid.
A few years ago, Difficult Lady started inviting herself to our family Christmas Eves at my in-laws house. One year she completely and totally insulted and offended my sister, so ever since, my sister (and parents) won't go to my in-laws for Christmas Eve (we are all together Christmas Day at our house). I don't want to deprive my mother-in-law of her grandchildren on a special day, so my nuclear family still goes. Last year, I asked my mother-in-law to please speak with DL, and ask her to make a special effort. She did, and the result was that DL had a huge row with her husband in front of us all and then spent the rest of the evening saying how horrible he was. It was just Drama with a Capital D. DL clearly relishes being the center of the universe and one way or another, she's going to be.
This year, we wanted to spend Thanksgiving with my in-laws, in addition to our normal Christmas Eve at their house and Christmas Day at our house. We invited them over, and the MIL hemmed and hawed. Yesterday, we had the conversation. It turns out that she wants us to come over and be with DL and her kooky, equally crankpot husband for Thanksgiving now too. She feels so sorry for her as she has nowhere to go. Yes, this crazy, difficult lady has nowhere to go because her own relatives aren't talking to her! I don't think this is my problem!
I told my mother in law that for her sake I would spend one holiday with DL, but that I didn't think it was fair to spend both. I asked her to pick which one she wanted and she sort of stammered and made it clear that she thinks we should come for both. I countered that if she was looking for a way to get out of having Difficult Lady for Thanksgiving, to just tell DL that they were coming over here for the day (and then I could do all the cooking). But, DL has her hooks in my MIL but good, and she emotionally manipulates my mother in law so severely that she can't actually say no to her. So we sort of are at a stale mate.
So my question is, my friends, do I just put up with it? Being around this woman is never enjoyable; it's always awful. Why should all my holidays be spent with someone who is not a blood relative and who finds a way to ruin them, either by insulting other guests or instituting some drama? Or do we go over there for Thanksgiving and then make other plans for Christmas Eve? Or do we just refuse to spend any of them with her?
But, it's my mother in law, who I do love, and who is 80 years old and can't do confrontation. I love my husband; is doing this for his mother too much to ask? Or should I demand that I have holidays free from crazy drama of people who are not actually relatives (the relative drama you have to put up with)?
Help me figure out what to do!!!!
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4 comments:
I think you are being completely fair and reasonable to share one of the holidays with DL. You have also done the right thing to explain to your MIL your position. Is there anyway you can talk to DL about her abrasive and negative behavior? Good luck on this situation!
Wow, that's tough, Dew. I think you're right to just stick to one holiday. I'm sure your MIL wants you there as a buffer for both holidays. However, to put up with such rude behavior is just not necessary. :o/
Yikes! I so dislike it when others create such havoc for those around them, especially when being given such generosity. :-(
How does your hubby feel about this? I think I'd make a joint decision with him and stick with that - ie. we are only going one of the nights, but not both (which is a good compromise, I think).
Putting up with a bit is doable, but both nights? That's over the top, I think. I like your idea of inviting your dear MIL for Thanksgiving at your house. But, if she doesn't want to come, I think I'd leave that decision up to her, stating what you are willing to do clearly. No manipulation, no emotions, just the facts. "We love you, Mom, and we want to spend time with you, but we are only willing to spend one special family evening with DL. That's our decision, so decide which day you would like..."
I really don't think that would be harmful. Besides, you can always spend time with your MIL on another day, right? Does quality time spend with her have to be on a holiday?
Good luck, my friend. I hope it all gets resolved and you all have a wonderful holiday season despite DL. :-)
I do agree with what Lisa and Liz have said. You should not have to put up with this horrible woman. My only concern is the dear MIL who is in her 80's. You know where I am going with this. You have her for a limited amount of time, do not let this woman take your time with her. Does she stay all day? Insist she and her husband stay only for the meal and then leave. Go get their coat and hat and walk them to the door saying "We are starting a new tradition of family time with Nana, thank you for understanding." Or take grandma to a movie and just walk out. Your husband will have to support you on this for it to work. When she starts her rant, just interupt by saying something totally off topic, like "did you here about the guy who got bit by a Llama? I bet he talked to much." Make it a game to see who can come up with the most silly comment or story. When she is not the center of attention, maybe she will go home. You could always were one of these caps or shirts:
http://shop.cafepress.com/talks-too-much
Anyway hope this helped a bit.
If anything, made you laugh.
My Aunt used to invite her weird neighbors over for Thanksgiving too. Their kids would not invite them over for holidays either. One was a drunk and turned out the drunk's husband was having an affair with the other neighbor's wife. It was always interesting!
Take care, MJ-Ona Journey
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