For Tai

There's a picture I don't let myself look at all that often of the two of us. It was taken in October of 2000, and there we are -- pregnant with our babies at the same time and laughing at the antics of our older kids. Except for the slightly green pallor I'm sporting, you can't really tell with me. But Tai was three months further along and her belly was obviously swelling with baby number three. Almost exactly three years after this picture was taken, at the age of 37, we buried her. A mother of three children, ages 2 to 6.

In the photo, just as you can't yet tell that I'm pregnant, you can't see the cancer that is eating Tai. An estrogen-fed monster of a breast cancer found the fuel it needed to storm and invade from the hormones of that pregnancy. When her youngest was three and a half months old, she found the lump. Already that cancer had invaded her chest wall and her lymph nodes. They could successfully beat it back for a while, but not long. It was just such an aggressive form of cancer--I honestly believe that early detection would not have helped--this cancer (from growing up in an industrial, toxic chemical soup of a town she believed) was going to take over and the result would have been the same.

I've been thinking of Tai a lot this fall. On the fifth anniversary of her death, I cried and cried and cried. I don't let myself do that much, because the situation is not anything I can affect or help.

Tai was the glue in her family. She was incredibly vain and frivolous--with a beautiful face and a bit of a princess complex. She loved shopping and goofing off and she hid her spending from her husband, who was so busy working he rarely saw. She indulged and indulged her two boys and as a result, they were wild kids--swinging from chandeliers and all--little tornadoes in motion. I don't think I ever saw her discipline them. She gave generously of herself and her love though; when you were around her, everything was fun.

Their dad of course was the opposite. The absent disciplinarian was his role. He seemed emotionally removed and spare with his love. He decided at some point in her illness that he was going to cut her off from her old friends. They moved into a big fancy house in a neighborhood where they knew no one, instead of staying in their smaller house here in the neighborhood where there were friends all around.

Part of it was her--vain girl that she was, she didn't want people to see her hairless and ill. But the driving force was him. I don't know what his emotional baggage and scars are, but they created a complex person who sees everyone around him not as separate individuals, but as a reflection of him. It took me a long time to work it out, but one day I realized. Her illness somehow reflected badly on him (he is a physician) and he didn't want others to see.

For a while, we managed to see her anyway. When she was feeling well enough, we'd meet for lunch or one fateful day I snuck up to the hospital when I knew he wasn't there. Instinctively, I knew that was the last time I would see her, that the illness progression would make future visits not doable. In my own way, I needed to say goodbye and so I did.

I hear glimpses of their lives occasionally, but their father made it plain that there was no real place for her old friends in this life. I know and live near her close relative, who helps take care of the three kids, now 7-12 years old, a lot of the time. So, from time to time, I see her or see the kids. I have other friends whose children are at school with Tai's, so I hear about them that way too. It's been a succession of live-in nannies, impermanent figures who come and go. Their father has girlfriends, and he works just as many hours as he ever did. He believes that providing for his children means making a lot of money, and he put many hours into becoming well-trained. His career comes first.

I think of my friend coming to the realization that she was going to die and knowing that she was leaving her kids with someone who could not possibly care for their emotional wellbeing. He is incapable of putting someone else ahead of him, and that's what parenting is. You know instinctively that adolescence is going to be trouble for those kids. It breaks my heart that they won't have a true memory of their mother, who loved them with all her heart. I just hope that some of the strands of love, some of the early seeds she planted, still rest within them.

And that's why I don't let myself look at that photograph very much or allow myself to think about her too often. I can't help those kids and that haunts me.

Product shrinkage

I wanted to make pumpkin bread this morning. And I did (see recipe below). I know folks have been ranting about hidden product shrinkage...when companies reduce the size of their container so they don't have to charge more. But they are effectively charging you more because you get less. Well, let me add my voice. Do you know that pretty much every single pumpkin recipe in the universe calls for two cups (16 oz) of canned pumpkin? Yep, at least every one I found in my highly unscientific search this morning. Do you know why? Because a 16-ounce can has been the standard, at least as long as I can remember.

But do you know what you'll find if you buy one can of pumpkin now? 15 ounces. That's right. A can of Libby's is no longer 16 ounces; it's 15. It's not really any big deal, I guess, in that I couldn't taste any difference between 16 ounces and 15 ounces of pumpkin in the recipe, but it just seems "not right." On their website, Libby's has gone and changed their recipes to further camouflage the change -- but I'm telling you, it should be 16 ounces of pumpkin.

Anyway, this is a great recipe. My kids and husband don't like nuts, so they really like the smooth texture of this bread.

Pumpkin Tea Bread

Makes 2 loaves

• 3 cups sugar
• 1 cup vegetable oil
• 3 eggs
• 2 cups (16 oz) canned pumpkin
• 3 cups flour
• ½ teaspoon salt
• ½ teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1 teaspoon baking soda

In a mixing bowl, blend together sugar and oil; add eggs and pumpkin. In another bowl, blend together dry ingredients. Add dry ingredients gradually into two 9 x 5 x 3 inch loaf pans, lightly sprayed with nonstick cooking spray.

Bake at 350 degrees until done (about 50 minutes).

Recipe from Saint Louis Days/Saint Louis Nights

Speaking of pumpkin bread, I like this recipe from Libby's too...I'm a big fan of cranberries and buy extra when they're in season and stick them in the freezer to use all year. I have a great cranberry coffee cake recipe that I get a craving for occasionally.

Puzzler Alert

The Simpsons this Sunday will feature the voices of crossword puzzle creator Merl Reagle and puzzle editor to the gods Will Shortz. The theme will revolve around crossword puzzles...and is titled "Homer and Lisa exchange Cross Words." Not only that, but the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle will contain a hidden message relevant to the episode.

That's a lot of cross-promotion. But the big fun is the puzzle geek factor. Every single crossword visible in the episode will have been created by Merl Reagle and I think it'll be fun to see how many references I can catch. I'm an occasional Simpsons watcher, not an addict, but this one will definitely be one to catch if you're a puzzle fiend.

Tending the garden

So, Houston is an odd place garden-wise. When the rest of the country is closing down its gardens, down here October and November are the times to plant and cultivate. You try to get your winter color in by Halloween, so that they have time to grow and get a bit hardy to resist the coming cold snaps. Nothing cheers me up more than seeing the bright faces of pansies and other plants in winter.

But, my garden was frankly a mess. Over the last year, I just had let it go and go and go. There were weeds, trash trees and overgrown foundation plants. Last year I never got any winter color planted and maybe that was the start of my 2008 troubles. This inaction was followed up by not planting any spring or summer color accents and just letting what was there go wild.

It just was hard to figure out where to start, but one Saturday in October, start I did. I began freeing the bed of daylilies from their choking collars of Saint Augustine runners and weeds. Some of their leaves barely had any green color on them, they'd been stifling under that mess. With that bed restored, I moved on to the grasses and the butterfly irises and the kniphofia. I got Paul to help me remove some of the bigger trees and little by little, the beds and order was restored. I don't like rigid lines and formality in the gardens, but these had gotten a little too Darwinian even for me. The plumbago and the esperanza (yellow bells) were trimmed back to semi-recognizable shapes. The holly bushes and foundation plants were trimmed so that you can actually see the windows.

I gave myself a budget of $200 to plant some color. Flats of pansies, alyssum, nasturtium, and dianthus added the splashes of color. Hurricane Ike removed so many branches from the oak tree that my back yard is significantly less shady than normal, so I'm trying some sun-lovers in new spots.

I ripped out some lantana that has never bloomed right since I planted it 4 years ago. I added a butterfly bush (I have never had luck growing these, but I am trying a new, slightly more protected from the summer sun spot), some gayfeather (which I grew successfully for several years in the garden) and some society garlic. I'm a native-plants type of gardener, and I have a local nursery that provides good quality stock. Their plants are probably a little more expensive than the big-box garden shops, but I've always had good results.

Finally, after a fruitless search locally, I ordered some daffodils from a mail-order company. I've been wanting to plant daffys for ages, but I always miss the window. I've ordered pre-chilled bulbs and when they come in December, I'll be interspersing them with the daylilies. This is a combination that works really well in gardens and I hope it'll take in mine. I don't want fussy plants that I have to dig up, so I ordered a cultivar that naturalizes in Houston.

In the back butterfly garden, the Monarch caterpillars are munching the Mexican milkweed. We still have eggs and we've hosted quite a number of caterpillars. I'm not messing with that bed, because the weeds are helping provide cover for the caterpillars from those birds. The kids and I check the caterpillars nearly every day, and we watch them grow from the length of a pinky nail to big and fat and ready to transform.

Anyway, I think restoring my garden was the first step in making things better.

Progress

I realized today that we've been two weeks without losing our power for more than five minutes or so. We even went through a big thunderstorm with our power intact--no blinking clocks making us late this morning. This represents huge progress for us--we were losing power 3 times a week. Just three weeks ago, I had to throw out everything I had re-accumulated in the fridge because we lost power for 18 hours. The grid is seeming more stable.

That's also a good metaphor for me right now. I feel more stable. The election being over helps (man, that was stressful), as does finishing up a brutal fall sports schedule. We've got issues to handle and deal with, but they're no worse than normal (except for that finding a middle school thing). I am starting to feel confident again, less nervous and overwhelmed.

Of course, that confidence doesn't extend to the economy. Watching so much of our carefully saved money go "poof" in the market downturn has made me feel more cautious about spending. So, one small thing I am doing is trying to make sure I cook more and buy less convenience and prepared food and take-out. This last 10 days I've been in a fall mood, as we had a slight nip for a few days (seems to be gone now). So I've been using the slow cooker a lot. In addition to getting to use cheaper cuts of meat in the cooker, flavorful stews and soups are a big hit with almost everyone in the family.

Here's what's in the cooker now--a Moroccan-inspired Tagine. I'll cook some couscous at dinner time to serve the tagine over. I didn't have tomato paste, so I used crushed tomatoes and a bit less chicken broth. And I threw in a chopped red pepper for an extra hit of antioxidants. Everyone likes this dinner. We have a busy day with Odyssey of the Mind practice after school (I'm coaching the younger's team), indoor soccer practice and a middle school tour sandwiched in there. I have more energy in the morning, so it's nice to know that dinner's in the pot already.

Chicken Tagine

8 boneless, skinless chicken thighs (about 1 3/4 pounds total), cut into 1-inch pieces

2 medium onions, thinly sliced

4 large carrots, peeled and thinly sliced

1/2 cup raisins

1/2 cup dried apricots, coarsely chopped

2 cups chicken broth

2 tablespoons tomato paste

2 tablespoons lemon juice

2 tablespoons flour

2 teaspoons garlic salt

1 1/2 teaspoons ground cumin

1 1/2 teaspoons ground ginger

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

3/4 teaspoon black pepper

1. In a 6 quart slow cooker, layer chicken, onions, carrots, raisins and apricots.

2. In a medium-size bowl, whisk chicken broth, tomato paste, lemon juice, flour, garlic salt, cumin, ginger, cinnamon and black pepper. Pour over chicken and vegetables.

3. Cook 5 hours on high heat or 8 hours on low.

daytime tv

I've been laid low with a stomach virus. It's worse than the normal ones, in that you spend a good 12-15 hours retching. And today, that over, I still don't feel well. I'm much better than yesterday, but only about 50% on the road to normal.

Thanks to Ike, we still don't have cable (or decent Internet access). Comcast is my new bogeyman. Their customer service is horrid. Now, they refuse to answer your calls and just say, "we'll call you when your service is back on." Today was the original date that the cable guy was supposed to come, but my money's on a no-show. Everyone understands about the breadth of the recovery after Ike, but the lack of communication has been appalling. When things are back to normal, we'll be considering other options.

My library finally opened earlier this week, so I have a couple of books. I just don't feel up to reading. My head hurts and I can't really concentrate. So, I'd like to lie down and watch tv. I really, really would like more options. Yesterday, I watched 15 minutes of a Fantasy Island rerun before falling asleep. Something better than 1970s tv, gameshows and soaps would really be welcome right now.

Weary

That's just kind of how I am. Weary and a bit exhausted mentally. I haven't been sleeping well and that probably adds to my feelings.

Don't get me wrong. I know how lucky we are to have someplace to stay and a way to get out of the heat and humidity of a Houston non-fall. My sister has been fabulous, and been a great host and incredibly hospitable and welcoming. We had a nice outing to the Botanical Gardens with a friend here in town.

But, we're all tired. We'd all like to be back in our normal routine as much as possible and there's not been that much progress towards one. There's still no strong estimate about the power at our house; the power restoration in our area has been non-existent. We do find out today at 5pm whether the kids will start school Thursday or next Monday.

Anyway, I'm feeling kind of blue and down this afternoon. That doesn't happen to me that often and I'm trying to shake myself out of it. I thought perhaps blogging those feelings would help me figure out what's at the root of them and how to feel better.